just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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