You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
