the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
