someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
