i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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