I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
