I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
