theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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