I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
