I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
false alarm, still single
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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