Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
