I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
