Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
