Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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