im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
