i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
