Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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