What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we're making bets on your personal life
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
