i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
