every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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