yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
