just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
