I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
