Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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