When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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