can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
