When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
