you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
