By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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