so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
