What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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