I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
