she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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