Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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