I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
