Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
