I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
