I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
