the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
nutella sex= disaster
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Randomize
