pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
