It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
