He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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