omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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