I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
