The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
