another moral hangover. fuck.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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