i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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