On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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