phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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