I'm gonna have a badass scar
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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