My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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