She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
