I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
