So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
