this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I looked at my own cervix.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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