I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
